Why I postponed my bikini comp…

The title pretty much gives it away here. This last weekend was the Cascadian Classic, the show that I prepped 22 weeks for. The one where I was supposed to walk across stage in a teeny tiny bikini and strut my hard work for a panel of judges next to lots of other girls. But I wasn’t there.

I made a collective decision with my coach to postpone. After 22 weeks of dieting my body was not responding the way it should have been. I had been doing SO  good, but my body was fighting back. That mixed with some health issues, we decided for my overall and long term health it was best to take a little time off.

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I was never doing this show for anyone else. So I had nobody to disappoint or let down. I was doing this for me and I want my health to be there for me in the long run, so I made the best choice for myself. Yes I was sad I wasn’t going to be competing, but the stage will always be there. I will have SO many more chances to walk up there and show off months and weeks of hard work. My health comes first.

I do not have another goal show in mind at this point. But I am thinking I will start prepping in January 2018 and work towards another spring show. I do not plan on reverse dieting from where I am because I am not stage lean and I feel that I am at a happy place with my body. So I will maintain, maybe work on a little more fat loss and muscle development, but I am happy here.

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Since my decision I have been enjoying life and working hard. Had a fun camping trip this weekend with great friends and family. Went on hikes and walks and adventures. Shared stories and laughs and drinks.

I plan on enjoying my summer mindfully. We are taking a trip to Texas next month for Ryan’s family reunion. That is my motivation right now to stay healthy and keep my body at a comfortable and happy place.

Remember that it is okay to “fail”. It is okay to change your mind. It is okay to need more time. It is okay to focus on yourself. This applies to anything in life. Keep going, keep moving, keep your head up, and you will get to where you are meant to be!

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Dear Deadbeat…

Dear Deadbeat.

Happy Anniversary! It has been 5 years now. Can you believe that 5 years ago you spent about an hour on the phone with me telling me what a worthless, useless, embarrassing piece of shit I was? Calling me all sorts of names. Attacking me for all the wrongs you committed, making them my fault as usual. It has been 5 years since you broke a promise. Since you disowned me. Since you told me you wanted nothing to do with me. Since you decided I was no longer worthy. Since you shamed me for my depression, and when I told you that you were the biggest reason for it, you laughed.

You laughed. 

I was crushed. Do you have any idea how broken you made me? Of course you don’t. You only “reach out” twice a year. Sending me a birthday & Christmas card with a small check in it. How thoughtful of you. Sometimes you even write “Love Dad” in it. HA! It usually makes me chuckle before I toss it into the garbage, so thanks for that at least.

Love. Psh. It still makes me laugh.

You broke me. You picked me up, shattered me on the ground, left me there broken in a thousand little pieces, stomped on me for good measure, and walked away. You never looked back. You just left me there. Good news though. I am unbreakable. Remember all those shitty things you said to me? Remember hitting me when I was younger? Remember all the threats you used to SCREAM at me? I saved all of those. All of those times are now the glue that hold me together. No, they are cement. All those words and screams and hits, they are what made me strong. When I feel weak, I think of you.

I will NEVER be as weak as you.

With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend I thought it would be the perfect time to thank you for all of this. Mother’s Day is the opposite of Father’s Day, and since you are the total opposite of a real father I felt it was perfect. So thank you for being a terrible father. Thank you for being a total deadbeat. Thank you for walking out on me. Thank you for not caring. Thank you for turning my family against me. Thank you for showing me what a real man is NOT like.

Because let’s be real here, you are no real man.

I am not going to tell you that you are the reason I am so strong. That would be giving you wayyyyyy too much credit. But because of you I decided to be strong. I did not want to be the broken girl. So with the help of people who truly cared for me, I collected all those shattered pieces you left. I used all those shitty things you said and did to me, and I pieced myself back together. I am happy. I smile. Look at me now.

Look. At. Me. Now.

So here’s to you Deadbeat. A day just for you (since it has always been about you anyways). Go ahead and celebrate. You make an amazing deadbeat dad.

Happy Mother’s Day to the complete opposite of a Father!

Life With Crazy Allergies…

I am sure many of you are familiar with seasonal allergies. Runny nose, itchy puffy eyes, scratchy throat. Most people have some form or another of seasonal allergies. But what most people don’t usually get…..anaphylaxis from these allergies. That’s right folks, full blown anaphylactic shock from fucking pollen. Now there are TONS of people who have anaphylaxis to lots of different things. Food, peanuts, medicines, etc. Sucks doesn’t it?

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The loop trail. Innocent in the winter……deadly in the summer. My favorite.

Well two years ago this week I had my first anaphylaxis attack down on the loop trail, on Mother’s Day of all days. That was when we realized how bad my seasonal allergies were. Since then they have only gotten worse. Well yesterday I went in for my first round of allergy shots. This is where they inject you with a small dose of the things you are allergic to, twice a week, to let your body start to build up an immunity. Well…20 minutes after my shots and the anaphylaxis had set in. Insanely dizzy, couldn’t breath, throat swelling shut, 88% oxygenated, all the fun stuff. So 3 hours and 2 epi shots later I finally headed home to sleep it off.

I ate some food and took a good long nap but I was exhausted the rest of the night. Getting an injection of epinephrine (aka adrenaline) is basically like running a marathon, and I got two of those bad boys so I was BEAT! It took all my energy to not fall asleep standing up. I slept really well last night thankfully and felt a bit better this morning.

The craziest thing that the doc told me was that in his 20+ years as an allergist in this town, he has never seen someone have an anaphylactic reaction to pollen. Not that I am surprised, I am known for always being in the 1%. Yay me right?

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The crappiest part of these allergies is that we love to take our pups down to the loop trail, but I can’t really go down there. The East Wenatchee side of the trail is lined with sheet grass and trees and other grasses and shit I can’t be around.

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So now we have to look into this infusion drug to help with my allergies as a last ditch effort. Fun shit. But I am plugging along. Taking my allergy meds, using my inhaler, and sprayin’ my nose spray. If you have allergies, take care of yourself. This shit knocks you out! Breathe easy my friends!

First Hike Of The Year

Sooooo I get seasonal allergies. Like bad. Like if I touch or go near most grasses or wild shrubbery, the beginning signs of anaphylaxis kick in. It’s super fun.

But I decided to take my chances today and go for a hike up Saddle Rock. When I was in high school, I would do this hike at least once a week, weather permitting. And then for some reason I stopped that. I cannot guarantee I will be able to go that frequently, but I am going to start hiking it again as much as I can.

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Saddle Rock is such a beautiful part of the Wenatchee Valley. This time of year all the wildflowers are blooming and the sagebrush is a bright shade of pastel green. My lungs are struggling the whole way up, but when I look around I am distracted by the beauty of this place and almost forget I can’t breathe. I said almost..

My two fur faces joined me as well and they had a blast. But they are also out of shape. The lazy pups for for walks and hikes all the time, but make them hike a steep climb in easy spring heat and they get all tuckered out. Wimps. Just kidding everyone calm down. I took them two full water bottles and forced them to drink every 10 minutes or so. They also did some modeling for me.

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Hiking has always been a stress reliever for me. No matter how shitty my lungs may work or how slow I may be some days, I always feel so at peace after a hike. Especially one that ends in this amazing of a view. It’s cathartic for me. It centers me. I tend to get stuck inside my own head a lot, and when I hike I am able to just let my mind free.

The fact that this view needs no editing or touching up just goes to show you what a beautiful place we live in. And this is right outside our back door!

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First Hike

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Six weeks and counting…

After a little hiatus from blogging I am BACK baby! I am now 6 weeks out from my show. I am in the nitty gritty of this prep now and shit is getting hard. My hormones are going a little crazy, I am more emotional than normal, I am tired all the time, and I am starting to miss little things like making dinner and not having to track every bite. But I am still just as motivated to kill this show as ever. But with that being said, I wanted to talk today about some of the hard shit that comes along with prep…from my point of view.

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This last week has been a bit hard on me. I haven’t been too emotional about my progress so far but that all changed the past few days. I had my check in with my coach on Sunday and I was not feeling great. I felt bloated. I didn’t think I looked good. I didn’t even want to take my progress pictures because I knew I would not like the way I looked. I let my mind and my anxiety take over.

I even got to the point that I told my mom I wasn’t sure if I could keep going. Maybe I should just back out of the show. But then I thought to myself, when have I ever been one to quit just because something was hard. That is not me. So I went to the gym, watched some YouTube vlogs from competitors I admire, pulled my hat down low, and killed my workout. I even hit my newest PR for squats and managed to get 200lbs for 3 reps!

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But things get hard. I struggle with my mental health (anxiety, depression, OCD). Prep can be lonely and it can and WILL be hard. You have to dig down to the deepest parts of yourself and really give it every last ounce of energy you have.

But I KNOW that it will be worth it. I know that when I walk up on that stage, all the doubts and sadness and struggles and hard times will seem like nothing. I know that I will be so proud of myself for the weeks and months of hard work I put into this.

Remember that you are not alone. You are strong. You CAN do this. Anything you want, you can achieve. I am about to make these last six weeks of prep my bitch!

That was a lot of food…

So today was my second and last high carb day for the week. It was great. And I loved it. But holy shit, that was a LOT of food to eat. I have been pretty bloated today (TMI?) from all the extra carbs, but it is nice to feel full.

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Started Sunday (my first high carb day) with 2 servings of Kodiak Cake Protein Pancakes topped with an over easy runny-yolk egg peanut butter, and sugar free maple syrup. It was heavenly. The sweet and salty combo gets me every time.

It was a pretty relaxed Sunday. Went to the gym, had a great leg day, did some chores around the house. The puppies always like to hang out with us outside.

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Ryan listed his Honda crf450 that he has had for a long time. Last year he also bought a little Honda ct110 for super cheap. It needed a little bit of work so we put in some time and she looks brand new. We listed that bad boy as well so hopefully we get some hits on both bikes.

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The plan is to sell the 110, then take the money and use it to buy me a REAL dirtbike. For those of you that know me that is probably a scary thought. I am known for being a bit clumsy, so the thought of me on a dirtbike is kind of funny. But I love adrenaline sports, and Ryan is a dirtbike maniac, so I think I will be just fine.

Today was a pretty slow day work wise. Just had my normal clientele. But starting tomorrow, my next three days are going to be jam packed. One of the other trainers is out of town so I am picking up a lot of her clients. That mixed with meetings every day. It is going to be a long, but rewarding week. And staying so busy means that time will fly by. I like being busy. I do well when I am busy. I prefer it. So here is to 3 days of 12 hour work days!

We spent our night eating a delicious dinner and hanging out with some crazy pups. A nice relaxing way to end Monday.

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Sunny and sixty-five…

It was a BEAUTIFUL day! I feel like this was the first real day of spring.

I have to say that this was one of the best days I have had in a long time. My day started at work, which is not a normal Saturday for me. I led a “Golf Conditioning Workshop” and truly enjoyed the company of these people. Those of you who believe that golf is not a “real” sport…get outta here. So we worked on proper warm ups for the sport, did a sport specific training program, and then went over proper stretching and cool downs as well as injury prevention tips for golf.

After the workshop I got my cardio in. Did 20 minutes of HIIT and then just a good 15 minutes of easy steady state. I really enjoy cardio when I don’t feel rushed and just get to go at my own pace.

To get some more steps in, I took my girls down to the river.

The water is SO crazy high right no ya’ll. Normally at this very spot, there is a beach and you can walk out a lot further. Not todayyyyy. Thankfully these two pups were so well behaved. I always get nervous when we are right by the trail, I don’t want them chasing after a bike or going and jumping on a kid to say hi. But they were plenty entertained with their swimming and chasing each other and fetching sticks.

So whenever we go to the river, we usually take Ryan’s like 1977 Honda CVCC. The pups get all wet and stinky so we don’t want them in our nice cars. This is the only stick shift I have ever driven, so I thought “I don’t need Ryan, I will take the Honda with the puppies on my own” (since Ryan is out of town). So we hopped in and headed down to the river. I did GREAT!!! And I only killed it in the middle of an intersection twice hahhahah!!

After they went swimming we went for a run/walk to calm them down and dry them off a bit. Their favorite part is rolling and running on the grassy hill at the end of our river trip.

I am so excited for my high carb day tomorrow. I am actually dreaming about pancakes with runny yolk over easy eggs on top and maple syrup…….holy moly guys. But it is 7pm and I have already eaten my macros for the day so I am just sitting here, chugging my water trying to not think too much about food.

Practiced posing tonight and I have to be honest and say that I am starting to feel pretty good about it! Since it is competition season I have been watching tons of girls videos and it is getting me so dang pumped! I cannot wait to experience the thrill of show day. Even if I don’t place, which in all truth I am not expecting to, I cannot wait to enjoy the company of other competitors, get all tanned and glammed up, and strut all my hard work on that stage. It is going to be amazing…….